Yes, I know… it’s been a while since my last blog post. Approximately five months in fact. Though, it is not required, I have an explanation. My last blog post in February detailed and mentioned my grandmother suffering a stroke. Things became very hectic following her stroke with her being moved from the hospital into a skilled nursing facility for rehabilitation, and several visits back to the hospital. In between those times, there was an emotional roller coaster due to Covid restrictions and being told she could have visitors if they were vaccinated, receiving both vaccinations, only to be told a completely different story upon arrival to the facility.
At the hands of the nursing home, I witnessed a rapid decline in my grandmother, due to the absence of touch from those who loved her, as well as her being unable to place her eyes on individuals she could recognize. She was not receiving the treatment and care she and numerous of our elderly population are so deserving of.
Ultimately, my grandmother’s life would come to an end in May, one day before her 90th birthday. As painstakingly heartbreaking as her loss of life is to me and those who loved her, in my heart of hearts, I believe I have a mission and duty to fight for change in the manner in which the insurance companies and Skilled Nursing facility staff treat family members and our elderly. When transitions take place in life, one should be left with their dignity and self-respect completely intact.
This is the most difficult loss I have encountered in my lifetime. My grandmother, who was much more than my grandmother, was the person I normally endured and shared my joys, pains, and losses with. Sometime, during her passing, I wrote how her passing has left my heart beating with phantom pains. In her behalf, I have elected to utilize the services of Grief Counseling. It is the best decision I could have made and I will continue with it until I heal, no rush, one day at a time.
It has always come naturally for me to assist others through their grieving processes and other issues. That’s what empaths do, though they themselves may be overwhelmed with their own set of issues. Though I was spiritually prepared for her exit, I was not prepared. Can you ever be fully prepared? The immediate answer to that is “no,” absolutely not. A good portion of that time was spent attempting to prepare others for what was to take place. However, I did not prepare myself for her absence, for no longer receiving her “just calling to check on you” calls, and the calls to tell me how good something I had prepared for her tasted, especially my pound cake, fashioned and named after her.
My prayer was for God to give my grandmother sweet peace as she made her transition, and to not allow her to suffer long. Though my request was honored, it does not lessen the pain of my loss. I’m certain there are other significant moments and conversations I will continue to encounter throughout this process. Grief takes on different shapes, sizes, and experiences for each person. There is no one size fits all when dealing with grief.
Believe me, I’m fully aware, there is so much that could be said, something that could be used to assist others. However, at this moment, I’m spent, I have nothing to give. Something I read recently, though I had read it before, it hits home for me now, “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” Ohh, I’ve definitely been trying to pour from my cup with tiny drops here, and tiny drops there. It’s not working. My cup is dry. My heart is shattered into billions of pieces.
Writing has always been my way of escape, a cathartic way of expressing myself and assisting others. At this present time—I have come to realize, now is the time to heal myself by any means necessary. Which also means learning to place myself first. This will continue until I am healed. Your patience and prayers through this process are greatly appreciated.
Every day is not always filled with sunshine.
Everyday is also not filled with rain. Meditation still works.
The sun will shine again.
A soft reminder: Not everything that weighs you down is yours to carry.