To my Readers,
It is important to note, there is often a misconception regarding meditation and those who meditate. Very often, individuals assume those who meditate are void of rain in their lives and everyday is filled with sunshine. Everyday is not filled with sunshine. However, on the days when the rain decides to fall, meditation provides an umbrella to help you maneuver through the rain and rainboots for the puddles you happen to step into. You may still get wet, but you will have the help you need with drying off.
Recently, I have been diligently working through some suppressed emotions I learned were a result of several forms of grief; cumulative, delayed, and unresolved, mostly due to the numerous losses I wrote about in a previous article. The overwhelming emotions I was experiencing were difficult to put into words other than, I felt as though I had cinder blocks attached to my heart, a heaviness, if you will.
There have been times when I have heard mention of individuals stating after he or she had released an overwhelming amount of emotions, the feeling of weight or a ton of bricks being lifted from their shoulders.
After one suffers a brain injury, if he or she are fortunate to survive it, it comes along with numerous complications, some more severe than others. For myself, I have had to relearn many facets of my life that were likely taken for granted prior to my brain injury; public speaking, the ability to articulate my words or phrases effectively and efficiently were some of those issues. Oftentimes, I elected not to speak because I did not know if the correct sounds or words would be uttered, or if I would stutter when I spoke. There were times when I had difficulty with word association, such as referring to a horse as a dog or a refrigerator door, a car door. This is very common with frontal-lobe injuries.
With a normal brain, we often hear the words prior to them exiting our mouths; this was not the case for me. Sometimes I would hear the correct word and speak an incorrect word. In addition to speaking, to this day, in most cases, I continue to experience difficulty with organizational skills, and executive functionality, decision making. Along with those issues come issues with short and/or long-term loss of memory or suppressed emotions and memory that often begins to re-emerge as the brain begins to heal. The brain behaves as a computer and restores files from their conception up to the current moment. Often, the files being rebooted, come along with emotions attached to them, some good, some not so good.
While attending a telephonic appointment with my NeuroPsycologist, I expressed to him about the heaviness I felt and the strong desire for me to scream to the top of my lungs, wishing I could find a wooded area where I could let it all out and not expect someone to call the authorities to see about me. During our conversation, I remarked how I at some point recalled seeing individuals on television who would scream to the top of their lungs and they would somehow feel better, and the heaviness would disappear.
Why was this not happening for me? What was I doing wrong? Why was it so difficult to just scream to the top of my lungs?
Only a few days after sharing my desire to scream, with my NeuroPsycologist, the moment had finally arrived. After staying awake into the wee hours of the morning preparing forty-eight, Deviled Eggs by special request and sleeping for a mere three and a half hours, I arose to begin preparing a cake. If you’ll remember in a few blogs back, I began baking pound cakes for the first time in my life, during quarantine. All of the ingredients had been mixed, batter poured into the bundt pan, and placed into the oven to bake. After approximately one hour in the oven, the fragrance of the cake filled the house. Once the cake was removed from the oven, cooled, and the top filled with a homemade cream cheese drizzle, I placed the cake on a cake pan, firmly gripped, and proceeded to walk over to the table to place a lid on my cake. The cake however never reached the table; it immediately fell from my hands and landed on the floor, bottom first. It was then that the scream I had long awaited bursts forth, very forcefully, might I add. The scream felt as if it had traveled from the tips of my toes and out through my mouth.
Almost immediately, the transformation took place. It felt great! I felt great! I also felt lighter. The cinder blocks were no longer attached to my chest, weighing me down. Leaving the cake lying on the floor, I walked away and went to take a seat on my sofa to process what had happened. Seemingly, one would be upset about the cake, the masterpiece, which they had labored over baking. However, I was not upset. In fact, I was relieved. After processing my emotions, I walked over to begin cleaning the mess laid out before me on the floor. As I began to clean, tears poured from my eyes, and I did not hold them back. Instead, I allowed them to flow as freely as they might. It was then that I realized, my experience that morning was not about the cake; it was however about the emotions that had been lying dormant, unable to be released for various reasons. That moment was the most cathartic I had felt in some time, perhaps ever.
So… meditation does work, though it does not always work in the manner we intend for it to work. Find what works best for you, the individual. Everyone’s journey is different. How one chooses to arrive there is completely up to them. The fact that you arrive at your destination, despite the troubles, obstacles, or puddles you may encounter along the way, is the most important.
Stay the course. Stay focused. Just Breathe!
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